The Gospel According to Corona
How I became a corana-fundamentalist
My Conversion
At the start of the lock down, the only shop that was allowed to open, was Tesco. People weren’t allowed out of their homes except for exercise or to go to Tesco. People hate exercise, so everyone just went to Tesco. This resulted in massive queues outside their stores. It was during a 2 hour wait back in April when I became a convert.
The man behind me in the queue was speaking to his wife about how young people (he was fairly elderly), were flaunting the government guidance on how to behave in the pandemic. It was his opinion that young people were happy to take the furlough money, but instead of staying indoors to protect themselves and their neighbourhood, they were hanging around in corona virus infected groups. He went on to speak about social distancing and how young people are fundamentally unable stay away from other people.
He was talking about the non-believers…he was talking about me.
He preached the gospel for the full length of the queue. I found his words were penetrating deep into my soul. I was overcome with a sense of guilt and a desire to change my life. I repented for my corona-sins and pleaded for them to be washed away in a torrent of hand sanitiser.
Face Coverings
We are in a strange situation in the UK. Face coverings are to be worn in all public places, however, there are exceptions to this rule:
- people who cannot put on, wear or remove a face covering because of a physical or mental illness or impairment, or disability
- where putting on, wearing or removing a face covering will cause you severe distress
- to avoid harm or injury, or the risk of harm or injury, to yourself or others — including if it would negatively impact on your ability to exercise or participate in a strenuous activity
As you can see there are a few subjective exemptions here. Who decides whether wearing a face mask will cause you severe distress? The wearer of course!
Almost all retailers have taken a strange policy where they do not challenge customers who are not wearing a face covering. And I understand this, you don’t want to get into a face covering argument with Jimmy-the-Knife who suffers from Psychopathic delusions and a compulsion to commit acts of violence against random strangers. But what about the man who is coughing, sweating and looks ready to keel over, shouldn’t he be challenged?
Last week I was in Subway and a couple joined the queue behind me (yes, couple. It clearly says on a sign in the window that only one member of a household is to join the queue. My wife and son were in the car). Both the man and women were not wearing a mask, I can only assume they were exempt. However, they stood so close to me that I could feel their (unmasked) breath on my neck. No matter how much tutting or huffing I let out, they insisted on leaving a credit card sized gap between us. Full of self-righteousness and indignation I stormed out of the shop with my sandwiches. I watched as the couple got in their £20k BMW and shot down the street.
These were most probably (but never to be proven) non-believers
Actual Non-believers
A couple of weeks ago I went to the barbers to get a haircut. The hairdresser began working on me when another customer came in and sat in the chair next to mine. He said to his hairdresser, “Are you strict on the face mask rules, or can I take it off?”. I chuckled to myself expecting a stinging reply from the barber. “Take it off mate, I don’t believe in any of this corona virus stuff. It’s the media, they’ve made the whole thing up. Do you actually personally know anyone who’s had it? No, me neither. It’s all fake”.
What? I mean, what?
These were ACTUAL non-believers
Corona-Fundamentalists are Just Human Too
Yesterday I was in “The Works” with my son. We were looking at the books over here, we were looking at the toys over there. We were laughing and joking and having a great time. He then said to me, “Dad, shouldn’t you be wearing a mask?”. Ah, darn it! I did wonder why all the other corona-fundamentalists were giving me strange looks. I pulled out my hand sanitiser and squeezed an excessive amount into my hands as way of atonement. We quickly left the store in embarrassment.
This was just a lapse by a true believer
Wearing a mask is horrible, having to stay away from friends and family is horrible. Not getting sick and not spreading the disease to others is brilliant. In fact, not getting sick and not spreading the disease is more brilliant than wearing a mask is horrible. Look after yourself. By all means, look after yourself. But look after me too, wear your mask!
